| frozen like a deer in headlights |
[Oct. 29th, 2006|04:25 pm] |
My emotions seem to be running (or ruining) my fate at the moment... my personal problems keep seeming to overwhelm me to such an extent I can barely muster up the energy to get out of bed let alone move forward with my life. If it isn't one thing, it's another, I feel like lately I am always crying. I can't help it. I'm tired of saying goodbye to people I love and I'm tired of constantly worrying about others and feeling helpless. I feel like without anything to live for I could easily give up. Whats good at this point? Anything that could've been good, I've manage to wreck. I hate myself.
So, yeah...
He has this amazing offer to go live in Mexico in this artsy 16th century village, to get paid to take care of some very wealthy 84 year old woman and live in her mansion for free. She also happens to be a writer no less. I was just trying to do some research online and the city looks unbelievable.
He's flying out to meet the lady on Thursday, and I guess we'll see what happens. I suppose the 5 days he's gone will allow me to try to get used to sleeping alone again. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst, and I really wish it was easier to be excited and happy for him.
I've lost my desire to write at the moment. |
|
|
| Mexico? |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|12:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
I don't want to lose him. I don't have anything else.
I can't breathe.
I truly love and miss you all. I wish things could've been different. I wish, I wish, I wish...
I feel so alone. |
|
|
| everything is fantastic. |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|09:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | social d - prison bound | ] |
I hate how most of the time I only ever know anyone is pissed at me is by viewing their Myspace Top 8. How fucking passive aggressive is it to move people around or delete them everytime they piss you off.
That is why my Top 8 is now consisting of bands and bands alone.
And I love how all my "BFFs" are nonexistent at this point. The fucked up thing is I don't even know why one of them is. Fuck it. Again, I'm not going to beg anyone to hang out with me or even want me in their life at all. I know I'm a fuck up sometimes and have my share of issues but so does everyone else in the world in their own way. I thought unconditional love was worth more than this. There are not that many people in this world I would fucking kill for and if they want nothing to do with me, fine, their loss. It's been fun.... Nice knowing ya. Thanks for the memories.
Today sucks. This year sucks. And I'm crying and I wish I didn't give a fuck about any of it. And I wish I just be optimistic about the future but it is nearly impossible for me. The potential negative outcomes always outweigh the good and I just want to crawl into a hole and die. And I'm still kicking myself about what a fucking idiot I am. I could've did something amazing had I just been in a different state of mind. I fucking hate money. I hate the fact I have to pay to just exist... Fuck it, I'm going to move into a tent in the woods and live off the land. Great plan, eh? |
|
|
| psychic outcasts on vacation |
[Sep. 5th, 2006|12:44 am] |
Chicago.... Day 5.
Everything has been a little overwhelming to me. I had 4 humongous family gatherings 4 days in a row (Goddamn, I have a large family), and at the moment I am really enjoying a quiet night to myself. But everyone has been very friendly and cool, though I keep finding myself more often than not being quiet and standoffish. Which hopefully is not offensive to anyone. It is kind of like being around a group of 50 strangers at all times and as everyone knows I suck at small talk.
It has been awesome to see how the little ones have grown up but the only cousin I think I really bonded with was my step cousin Tony, who took me to a little bar my first night here. We got very intoxicated and both being the "fuck ups of the family", I think we connected and I had a good time.
Otherwise, I think I have eaten more food this weekend than in the last year and here in Illinois everyone seems really fond of throwing bean bags into boxes, a game I had never heard of before.
I got to briefly go into the city on Friday, and hit all these neat little independent shops full of vintage clothes, toys, and punk rock gear. Made me really want to start (again) considering the idea of having my own one day. But time was limited and I shortly ended back in the burbs. As cool as this trip has been seeing family and all, I think it would be much different(and more fun?) if I was here with friends with all the time in the world to explore.
My mother has been telling my aunt tons of my "psychic" stories that I normally do not like to talk about and found that she could relate to nearly all of them. As a former Tarot reader, my aunt excitedly ran out and bought me a deck of cards thinking I might have a knack. I was sketchy about it, but my first Tarot reading to myself surprisingly was actually very dead on and interesting.
Anyway, the next few days are hopefully going to be relaxing; we're doing nothing but thrifting tomorrow (thank god this weekend is over). I'll be home on Thursday, and I am happy about it. I am getting homesick. |
|
|
| I guess I just have noone else to bitch to. |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|06:24 am] |
It's 6:30am, I'm still awake, and I have to be up in an hour and a half. I'm fucked.
I wanna snuggle. I'm not used to sleeping alone.:(
And I want to check my myspace but I'm not allowed. My mother swears that if I log in she'll get 78784 viruses. Gay. |
|
|
| I still don't know what my point was. |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|01:53 am] |
Feeling quite nostalgic and lonesome tonight.
I'm staying at my parent's house, dreading and yet excited about the fact I have to get up in a mere 6 hours to get on a plane. There is the usual beer by my side, and not-so-usual Cartoon Network for background noise (Cable, what an invention!), but I am not too happy that loneliness has already hit after a day. After watching the 40 year Old Virgin, boredom set in and I started going through my old room and trying to figure out what crap I left behind I actually want to keep. I came across a box full of memories... It's pretty insane actually, I still have pretty much every single note I ever received in highschool (and even quite a few from middle school). And I ended up spending probably two hours going through them...
And even if the good majority were long pointless rants from a kid once called Dodge Mike, who went to a different school no less, or mindless babble from Jen about a new boy seemingly every day or how we were gonna score rolls, I'm glad I kept everything. It's hard for me to recall that era in my life and it's always interesting to look back. And apparently, I was grounded a fuck of a lot. Go figure. (Sidenote: I wonder if kids these days still write notes in class, probably not with text messaging and all. I wish people would still handwrite me letters.)
One line really got to me, amidst a 3 page rambling from Mr. Hooker from around '98, the month the Caleb died, thrown in very randomly between the 'I'm gonna hang out with so and so' and 'I wish I had chicken wings' kind of shit, was, "Melissa, I hate to see you fading away."
I almost feel like I am again lately. I'm just sad. I feel like I have nothing here. I know in a week I'm going to have to get off my getting-fat ass, and get a new job and that's fine. It is a necessary evil and it will be healthy for me. But at the same time, I also know my options are limited and I'm going to be making at best barely enough money to get by and most likely doing something I loathe: sales. With still no clue for the future(!!!!!!). The friendships that have meant the most to me over the last few years have all seemed to completely wither away, not to say that I don't still have some amazing people in my life but the truth is I have been pretty heartbroken. My life support I've had for almost a decade is completely gone, and the coldness I seem to consistently get from the room beside mine is almost as painful. The boy has made mention of potentially moving to New York, and a chance to start fresh sounds well, amazing at this point. Perhaps that will be enough incentive to suffer, a goal, if just to get the hell away. What the hell is here other than burned bridges, twenty years of heat, no future, and hurricanes? I can go to community college anywhere.
I've been highly emotional lately and I hate it. And I suppose because I've been moody I've been subconsciously trying to keep my distance from almost everybody on purpose. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but I suppose it's probably for the best considering how much I drink and how I tend to overreact when my feelings get hurt. Lame example: I was very fucked up last night after our fake hurricane celebrations, and I got really upset because Chad took it upon himself to cut his own birthday cake while I was smoking a cigarette before I had the chance to give it to him at all. I had wanted to light candles and sing, do the whole thing, but seriously that was no reason to completely over-react and start crying. Why??? What was the big fucking deal?
And I found it weird, after talking with him later on, that he said it's been very apparent how unhappy I've been as of recent. That surprised me because I've been through so many ups and downs since I've met him. Sometimes I wish I could truly look at myself.
Anyway, what the hell is my point.
It's also depressing, I was thinking about this earlier, how in a 3 month vacation all I have to show for myself at least creatively, is some retarded painted cartoons on a fucking wooden chair.
.................
I suppose I'm done depressing myself. I'm going to watch Family Guy, and pray sleep comes sometime in the near future. Chicago will be good. Really good for me. I can't wait. |
|
|
| Can this not be horrendous? |
[Aug. 28th, 2006|10:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | naughty puritans | ] |
Agenda for the next 3 days:
-Hurricane?!
-Chad's fake birthday.
-Flying to Chicago.
I don't know what to say. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|10:27 pm] |
I tend to pace around the porch when I smoke. And as I am walking around in mindless circles, more often than I would like, I end up hearing an undeniable cruntch sound. And for some reason the amount of snails I find myself continuously accidentally murdering saddens me every single time. Snail manslaughter.... what was my point?
Maybe my point is I need to learn from my mistakes and faults, without just always turning a blind eye and thus feeling the consequences again and again and again.
I have been feeling pretty low the last few days. It's amazing the effect one's words can have. I have apparently changed, though in what ways I cannot really comprehend. What I can muster: I have had it very easy the last few months financially and in the meantime most likely have fucked myself, I am much less self destructive than I have been over the last year or more, I no longer beg to enjoy the company of people I love; I have given up. Oh, and I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend, whom even though has been the cause of countless internal battles (perhaps mainly mostly self sabotaging ones), I have really grown to love and need. Maybe I am missing the big picture.... When the change happened was not really discussed.
Though perhaps it's the fact that I have NOT changed that is really irksome. I am still at a standstill with my life, my future. I still get sad and am moody to the point where even I personally would not want to deal with me at times. Self loathe and fear still tend to govern my life and my actions. And sadly, I am aware that no matter how much I whine about the state of everything, I am to blame for the majority of my own blight. I have chosen my path. I suppose it's a crutch, I am the eternal victim. I can understand how I can be a nuisance or a drag.
And I still fight my battles with my emotions and fail to think first and/or use tact, which 100% of the time is detrimental, even in the smallest ways, to relationships in every aspect of my life. That is a trait I have always dragged with me, a horrific Hornbaker gift stemming from perhaps birth, and something I have only recently been awakened to. Something I need to say good riddance to.
I'm sure I could keep listing, but I'll refrain.
Perhaps I also need to accept the basic fact that as time passes and people grow sometimes there becomes less of a need for bonds and friendships that once upon a time seemed so sturdy and significant. People change, and maybe I just need to learn to let go no matter how hard it may seem or how much it hurts me.
I don't know. All I know is I am going to make an effort to really see myself and recognize the things I do in my life that only hinder me. I want to try to be a healthier person both mentally and physically.
Otherwise:
I am going to Chicago in eight days(!), after which I will finally desperately need to get off my very well rested hiney. Until then I plan on trying to read and draw as much as possible (Did I mention how much I love Tom Robbins?), and probably be generally lazy as my days are quickly coming to an end. |
|
|
| i don't fucking know. |
[Jul. 18th, 2006|04:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | poopy room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the briefs - sex objects | ] |
I have to say it's weird being up at 4:30pm, and feeling like I've already had an extremely full day... usually I'm just waking up around now.
And I also have to say getting a settlement for an injury 20 years later, that I had no idea even existed, is fucking amazing. It's not the greatest amount of money but I seriously feel like I won the lotto. Could not of been better timing.
I finally got to go visit my father today at the hospital (he's been back in since Friday) and he doesn't look well, in fact he looks quite awful, and apparently he hasn't had any improvement yet. I feel so bad for him... And I still don't fucking understand why nobody can do a thing for him! These hospital trips are seeming to become more and more frequent and the recovery time slower and slower. And that, my friends, that is very bothersome to me.=/ He was happy to see me though, and even though my visit felt much too short I was glad I got to go.
Oh, and apparently this whole town thinks I'm a lesbian because I hang out with Bekah and I have short hair... which honestly I don't give a fuck about or what people think in general, BUT when my job opportunities are limited because of it, well, I find that just appalling. Who knew such Christian homophobes existed in such a gay friendly city?! Man.
Me and Alicia also gave the cat(and dog) a bath today. Yay clean pets!
Otherwise not much is going on.... I want to start riding my bicycle more often...... I still need a real jobby job........ I like snuggling with the boy a whole lot (mmmm, snuggle time)........ and that about sums it up for the moment. |
|
|
| a random brief update. |
[May. 22nd, 2006|03:54 pm] |
So, my brother's book is now available for pre-order. Pretty damn amazing.
Tim's Book
While my interest in Wrestling history is slim to nil, (as most likely is his at this point), words cannot describe how thrilled I am for him.
What else?
This week has been kind of monumental as far as my relationship status goes. Very first fight. First I love yous. The last realization I will EVER need to stay far far away from psychotropic substances. A better understanding of well, why certain things just are.
As far as work is going.... well, let's just say I'm having a hard time dealing with feces in the fridge. I can't work in an environment where I have to be worried about leaving a fucking soda laying around.
I need to get out of there.I'm not cut out for a corporate retail environment anyway.
Last night I was telling Chad about my old ebay stuff, and how for years and years I would do pretty much anything to avoid getting a so called real job and how ironic it is how I now feel trapped by my current one. Basically I think is boils down to finally growing the fuck up and getting my license because my dad has told me many times I could have the ugly pink car he doesn't use. That kind of freedom will open the door to so many possiblities....
On another note, I don't seem to have much of an interest in this website anymore nor myspace for that matter, which I find pretty ironic considering my former addictions.
I am also at a point where going out just isn't as exciting as it used to be. Last night as soon as I got to the bar, I wished I was still on the couch. People change I suppose...
Gotta go get ready for hell. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2006|09:43 pm] |
i've caught myself feeling really happy lately.
hopefully i wont fuck it up like i tend to fuck up everything.
oh and last saturday night proved once again, i can't let myself get so drunk i have no control over my actions. one slip in the past few months... not so bad i suppose...
but apparently bad enough to cause permanent damage. i'm hurt, but more angry at myself as i have no one else to blame.
i suck at life. i really do. |
|
|
| same different rut. |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|02:35 pm] |
I think I'm depressed. Sleeping 13-14 hours a day is not normal.
My life is so unsatisfying. I need to do something else.
--
I did get some good news today though:
My dad is back at home. :)
--
4 days til my birthday....
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more than a little disappointed I am no longer going anywhere. A change of scenery would've been really fucking nice. Oh well, fuck it. |
|
|
| Once again... |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|04:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cranky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sonics | ] |
Back in the hospital.
I wish I was there. And not going to work. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|03:25 pm] |
Hi livejournal,
My ear is messed up again. It's no fun being slightly deaf. Especially when you have a crappy retail job.
My boyfriend actually refered to himself as my boyfriend yesterday, so I guess any sense of questionability is gone, even though it was obvious all along.
Though I will be seeing him rarely now that he has his new job. He will be waking up everyday about the time I go to sleep. He jokingly refered to this as a "long short distance relationship" and that didn't exactly thrill me.
I also do not much care for how negative my best friend is about the whole deal. I'm sorry he isn't up to par with your standards... but for some reason I do kinda like him.
What else?
My cat has moved on from her cardboard box fetish, and has now taken a liking towards destroying my actual books. I woke up today with 'A People's History of the United States' in pieces on the floor. :(
What do I do about this?
I don't know what is going on with the Orlando trip, or if there will even be one. Considering I will be broke after requesting 4 days off of work, I'd like to do something to make that worthwhile.
My father has apparently not been doing well lately....
I'm bored out of my mind at work, and seriously have to start making an effort forcing myself not to leave early.
The people at the Factory are still assholes. Leftover Crack was good though.
Um yeah, stuff.
I gotta go get ready for 8 hours of walking around in circles and re-folding the same shirts over and over.
Late. |
|
|
| i'm going to genetically engineer a domestic kitty into human size. |
[Apr. 6th, 2006|04:37 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ny rel-x | ] |
A lot of plans for the future it seems.... Tattoos for my birthday? Gainesville/O-town trip? Europe later in the year?!!!
I reallllly need to come up with some kind of financial plan.
But seriously, overall, things are pretty good lately. A simple "how are you?" made me evaluate and realize that I actually don't have any real complaints at the moment. Perhaps this is even the first time this year I haven't felt like I am carrying 898945 lbs of stress on my shoulders. I like it this way. Hope it lasts.
Though I really wish I wasn't feeling like I'm getting sick, because I definitely can't afford to miss any more work. At least I finally filed my taxes. |
|
|
| kkljlkjlkjkl |
[Apr. 3rd, 2006|02:44 am] |
I'm becoming fonder and fonder of waking up with no regrets each morning. I wonder if having a reason to be good makes it that much easier. Maybe thats why someone like Sheldon lets himself be so mothered, maybe it's his strange subconscious way of preventing self destruction?
It's so easy for people like us to get lost in the moment and forget about any potential consequences. My impulsiveness is definitely not my most redeeming quality. But it's under wraps as of late, and I am in a very different state of mind then from even a few months ago and am honestly feeling much better about the state of things in general.
But as much as I've apparently "calmed down", I still really don't understand how people can work all day and then spend allll of their free time just sitting in front of a television or computer screen. I'm sorry but I don't see anything entertaining 99% of the time about watching fake people pretending to be real people; REAL boring "normal" politically correct people no less.
I like to do stuff. Even if it's dumb stuff.
The other night I was sitting around Chad's on my day off totally not seeing the humor in Everybody Loves Raymond, and wondering a thing I tend to often wonder: what do normal people do with their time? And was answered with the usual, THIS. Finally I dragged him away from the zombie tube and we ended up sitting at my house playing Uno, and eventually climbing on my roof. That was a good night. Earlier this week Rus took me and Molls on an unsuccessful adventure to drink on top of the "rotating building" which ended with us drinking quarts outside a cemetery. That is also a fine example of a good time for me. I'm losing my point, I guess it's simply the fact I am amazed with how people can spend so much time living vicariously through a false medium that they seem to forget how fulfilling the little things out of life can be... something as simple as laying on a rooftop watching the sky with good company.......
Perhaps I'm weird, but work is only something I do because I have to, and my real life begins the moment I'm reprieved from my daily duties. And I find so much enjoyment out of the simplest stuff like a silly conversation amongst beer (or even a good argument, I admit), that the boob tube just doesn't cut it for me anymore. It just doesn't. I love life too much to just let it pass me by.
And I lovelovelove a cold Yuengling after work.
I think I am going to start writing actual letters to people. There is something far more personal about it, and I like the idea of getting them back. Fuck emails.
I need to get out of this town, I think. I keep finding myself fantasizing about taking off and starting over somewhere completely fresh. Or even doing something like taking a month off and traveling (or a week, or a day, something). I just wish money wasn't always such a....... yeah, let's get off this topic.
alright, I've had about enough of myself. Sleep? |
|
|
| i'm most likely nuts..... |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|03:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | screeching weasel. | ] |
but, a year?
i better make this one a good one.
and i found it sweet and funny that someone actually took this seriously enough to think it was today and want to hang out with me to "keep me out of harms way". |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
needlesandpins4's journal
relieved